OUR HUMBLEST APOLOGIES (parody!)

Recently, NBC was forced to apologize to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann after it was found that during her introduction on the network's "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," house band The Roots played an instrumental version of a song called "Lyin' Ass Bitch." Rep. Bachmann's discovery of this sneaky insult has led other Republican candidates to more closely examine the music that accompanied their appearances on talk shows.  Here are the letters of apology from the networks responsible.

To: Mitt Romney
From: Les Moonves, Chairman, CBS

Dear Gov. Romney,

Please accept our apologies for the music that was played during your entrance on "The Late Show with David Letterman." The CBS Orchestra's choice of Styx's "Mr. Roboto" was meant to kick off your fantastic interview performance with an upbeat, bouncy melody.  It in no way was meant to reflect any criticism of your personality on the campaign trail.  On behalf of myself, Dave, music director Paul Shaffer, and all of us at CBS, I hope you will accept our humblest apologies.

Sincerely,
Les Moonves

To: Herman Cain
From: Robert Iger, CEO, Walt Disney Co.

Dear Mr. Cain,

I would like to express my sincere apology for the music that played during your entrance onto "Jimmy Kimmel Live" last week.  The Doors' "Touch Me" is a very popular and classic song, and neither we nor music director Cleto Escobedo intended or expected that it be construed as a comment on the as-yet unfounded accusations that have been placed upon you recently.  We hope you understand that our intentions were pure, but we should have foreseen the possibility of confusion and we are sorry.  In turn we would appreciate it if you would cease your radical attacks on Walt Disney Co. in the media; I assure you that any similarity between Mickey Mouse's and Barack Obama's ears is coincidental.

Sincerely,
Robert Iger, CEO

To: Jon Huntsman
From: Nancy Tellem, President, CBS Network Entertainment

Dear Gov. Huntsman,

We would like to apologize for our choice in music to accompany your entrance onto "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" last month.  Nelly's "Hot in Herre" was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek reference to your embrace of science and your courageous voice of reason in your party with regards to climate change.  We had no idea that the phrase "Take off all your clothes" would be offensive to your Mormon faith.  Upon further research, we realize now that the phrase should have been altered as such: "Take off most of your clothes except for your magic underwear, praise Christ." We assure you that this oversight will never happen again and we hope you will not be apprehensive about appearing on our network in the future.

Sincerely,
Nancy Tellem, President

To: Michele Bachmann
From: Michael Gelman, Executive Producer, "Live with Regis and Kelly"

Dear Rep. Bachmann,

We apologize for the music that we chose to accompany your entrance onto "Live with Regis and Kelly" last month.  Though we sincerely picked it for its upbeat and rousing tone, we admit that Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch" was an insensitive choice on our part.  I hope you realize that we meant no offense whatsoever.

Regards,
Michael Gelman

To: Gary Johnson
From: Steve Burke, CEO, NBC Universal

Dear Gov. Johnson,

Please accept our apology for the choice of music to accompany your appearance on "Last Call with Carson Daly." Our use of The Who's "Who Are You" was in no way meant to imply any kind of mockery.  Of course we know who you are; we asked you to come on our show!  We hope you will join us soon again and that there are no hard feelings.

Good luck on the campaign trail,
Steve Burke, CEO

To: Newt Gingrich
From: David Kissinger, President, Conaco

Dear Fmr. Speaker Gingrich,

Please accept my apology on behalf of the entire staff of "Conan" for the music that was played during your entrance on the show last week.  The Basic Cable Band's use of "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am" was in no way meant as a comment on your marital past.  We are all deeply sorry and we hope you will extend our apology to your wife Marianne as well.

Sincerely,
David Kissinger, President

To: Rick Santorum
From: Fr. David Antolini, Chairman, Catholic Broadcast Channel

Dear. Fmr. Sen. Santorum,

Please accept our humblest apologies for the music that our organist Theresa played during your entrance on "Behind the Altar with Monsignor Murphy" last Wednesday evening.  We had thought that "On Eagle's Wings" would be a perfectly fine choice for your introduction, not foreseeing that it represented a far too loose and liberating theology for your strict-constructionist views.  We have no objection and we regret not clearing this up sooner.  How does "How Great Thou Art" sound?

Lots of love,
Fr. David

To: Michele Bachmann
From: Charlie Rose, Host and Executive Producer, "Charlie Rose"

Dear Rep. Bachmann,

I would like to offer my sincerest and most heartfelt apology for the music which accompanied your appearance on my show earlier this year.  Although every previous show had been introduced by the same theme music, I decided it was time for a change.  It was simply an unfortunate accident that my use of the Sex Pistols' "Pretty Vacant" coincided with your appearance.  Since that episode I have returned to the usual theme music, and I assure you this will never happen again.

Sincerely,
Charlie Rose

To: Ron Paul
From: Ron Paul, CEO, Ron Paul Networks

Dear. Rep. Paul,

On behalf of Ron Paul Networks, I would like to apologize to you for the song that was playing over and over in your head during the foreign policy debate last week.  We have done some research, and the elusive lyrics are in fact "Give me more, drag me across the floor, / Shadow dancing, all this and nothing more."

Peace and love,
Ronnie

To: Rick Perry
From: Les Moonves, Chairman, CBS

Dear. Gov. Perry,

Thank you for appearing on "The Late Show with David Letterman" to deliver the Top Ten list.  We have received word that you were disappointed to find no alcohol in your gift basket.  Please accept our apologies as we thought that it might be indecorous to include any such beverages.  As a token of our thanks, please accept this bottle of Wild Turkey which is enclosed.  We hope there are no hard feelings.

Come back soon,
Les Moonves

To: Michele Bachmann
From: Robert Greenblatt, CEO, NBC Universal Television

Dear Rep. Bachmann,

Allow me to apologize once more on behalf of our network for the lack of questionable music during your entrance onto "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" last week.  We understand that you had an uncomfortably benign experience while doing Jay's show.  We at NBC realize that it is your expectation to be able to claim victimhood at every step of the way, and we regret not being able to supply you with it on this occasion.  If you wish to replenish your underdog status, we invite you to take part in one of our more "edgy" programs, like "Whitney" or "Dr. Oz."

Sincerely,
Robert Greenblatt

Note: All of these letters are works of fiction and parody.  Though the names presented are those of the appropriate offices, they are not meant to represent the actual views of these individuals.